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50 Funny Quotes About Marriage

Don’t get us wrong, we love a romantic quote about love and marriage but sometimes too much of the sweet stuff can get a little mushy. It’s why we believe it’s always a good idea to throw some funny marriage quotes into the mix. We think having a sense of humor and being able to laugh are equally important as love, respect and patience in any marriage.

The quotes chosen are derived from renowned authors, philosophers, celebrities and everyday people who have been touched by love throughout their lives. These quotes will not only serve to entertain but may also provide inspiration for couples looking for ways to express their commitment toward one another on their special day in a nonchalant way.

Getting married? You’re about to join the world’s funniest club. So here are 50 funny quotes about marriage that will have you and your spouse in stitches. After all, if you can’t laugh at the one you love, who can you laugh at?

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1. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?” -Michelle Obama

2. What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. -Cindy Garner.

3. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” -Bill Maher

4. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” -Henry Youngman

5. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. -Clint Eastwood

6. Bride: “I do!” Groom: “I do what she says…”

7. Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” -Chris Rock

8. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” -Frank Sinatra

9. “A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” -LeAnn Rimes

10. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” -Will Ferrell

11. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” -Rodney Dangerfield

12. “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” -Dennis Miller

13. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”-Jerry Seinfeld

14. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Philip

15. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

16. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr

17. “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass.” -Mac MacGuff in Juno

18. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash.” -Dr. Joyce Brothers, American psychologist

19. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein, German physicist

20. My husband and I have never considered divorce; murder sometimes, but never divorce.” -Dr. Joyce Brothers, American psychologist

21. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” -Oscar Wilde, Irish poet

22. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates, Greek philosopher

23. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” -Helen Rowland

24. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.” -John Wilmot

25. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” -Agatha Christie

26. “Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.” -Unknown

27. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” -Eddie Cantor

28. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” -Donatella, Letters to Juliet

29. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” -Richard Lewis

30. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” -Joseph Barth

31. “The best thing to ever happen to a marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” -Rick Reilly

32. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin

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33. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.” -Janet Periat

34. “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” -Rory Elder

35. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” -Carrie Underwood

36. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” -Anne Bancroft

37. “Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” -Kim in The Last Kiss

38. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” -Lee Judge

39. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” –Andre Maurois, French writer

40.”Marriage is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” -Mae West

41. “Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” -George Burns

42. “Marriage is a laboratory, where the specimen is you yourself.” –Robert Philemon Kanyike

43. “I only see God through her, aside from the mysterious force that grabs a sock every time I do my laundry.” –St Elmo’s Fire

44. “Had date night tonight. Went to Lowe’s and bought a toilet” —Anonymous

45. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” -Stephanie Ortiz

46. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” -Michel de Montaigne

47. “When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.” -Helen Rowland

48. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” –Henny Youngman, English-American comedian and musician

49.”It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” –Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian

50. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” -Megan Mullally


Had a laugh? Send it to any married couple and make them chuckle too!